I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
