hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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