this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
