When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
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After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
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I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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