The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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