hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
