I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
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