if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
