I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
