I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
