he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
