I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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