we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
