You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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