I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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