I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.