it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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