Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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