make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My vagina just recognized that song.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
