Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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