Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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