1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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