Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
