shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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