I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Less talking, more tequila
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
