we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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