Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
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I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
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I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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