it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
