Porn is love you can see.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
