Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
