i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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