Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
