i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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