Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
