Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
