Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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