Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
