Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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