just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
