Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
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It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
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