i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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