I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I checked into jail on foursquare
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
