just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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