My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
