I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Operation Purity has been aborted
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
