Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
FUCK WHALES
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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