i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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