Im at strip club and am horny
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
