I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I understand Curling. That high.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
