i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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