he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
