When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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