Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm getting married
To pizza
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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