Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
