just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
we're so committed to being not committed
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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