So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
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